General Joke Thread

[koolkat]

Man and his wife go too the doctors
Doctor, says too the man I need you too give me a urine,seaman,stool sample.
With the man being hard of hearing replied WHAT DID HE SAY
His wife replied he wants a urine,seaman,stool sample
WHAT ,The man replies.with scorn in her eyes the wife yells HE WANTS YOUR FUCKING PAJAMA PANTS YOU DIRTY PRICK

 

[FrancisMelee]

What does Todd Lowrie have in common with a dog?......they both leak on da-fence

 

[edd]

Thought for the day:

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different levels of the limbs.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The ones at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The ones at the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.[DOUBLEPOST=1377129518][/DOUBLEPOST]





One out of four people in this country are mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends, if they seem o.k. then your the one....

 

[Warriorholic]

This guy is the best comedian ever NSFW

 

[fanrrior]

Why did the boy have sex with his sister?
She incest-ed they do it

 

[edd]

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.[DOUBLEPOST=1383456989][/DOUBLEPOST]"I'm too drunk to taste this chicken" - Colonel Sanders

 

[fanrrior]

Heaven is Where:

The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Haha. Do you mind if I use this in the future edd?

 

[edd]

Haha. Do you mind if I use this in the future edd?

Be my guest...

 

[Miket12]

Not so much a joke but a client off mine walked into one of the Auckland Council ward offices the other day with $10,000 in cash and walked up to the Receptionist's counter in yelled as he slammed the money on the counter that he wanted to speak to the Bribery Department because his Building Consent had been sitting for over 4 weeks on someone's desk who was meant to only take around 4 hours to finish the final checking and then another hour to make up his invoice so the Consent could be issued and he was sure, unless he bribed someone, he'd never see it. He was taken to a side room while one of the senior managers rushed round trying to find out where it was. Within 40 minutes, they'd issued it - and he got to keep his money - less the processing fee for the consent.

 

[Miket12]

At the end of the tax year, the Inland revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the Inland Revenue agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said,

“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question ,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.

“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

 

[Miket12]

I really hope this happened - only because my sense of humor is a little off centre:

 

[mt.wellington]

Little Johnny was in his year 3 class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is... really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said Johnny, 'He plays for the Warriors but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

 

[surfin]

Little Johnny was in his year 3 class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is... really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said Johnny, 'He plays for the Warriors but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

And this forum is full of people that wish they had been good enough to be a Warrior.

You people need help, think of your children.

 

[Hardyman's Yugo]

Apologies for the poor quality video, but great punchline:

 

[Hardyman's Yugo]

A cricketers tale

 

[snake77]

Did you know ants don't get sick as they have ant bodies.

 

[snake77]

If you are interested in working in show business there are jobs going at the Ellen DeGeneres show.

Its a high profile show. Sounds like a great place to work with lots of benefits and a boss who cares about employees.

Probably score high on employment satisfaction surveys.

 

[snake77]

Would you rather work on the Ellen DeGeneres Show or a prison chain gang.

At least the prison chain gang gives your water and a uniform.